Where There's A Will There's A Way - But Am I Willing?

Dear Me,

Slow down.  In life, in doing too many things and especially in reading scripture.  Too often I read scripture and I don't really take in what I'm reading.  But when I read in Matthew 8, a piece of scripture that I have read a few times before, these two verses struck me differently this time and stuck with me.  

A man with leprosy came and knelt before him and said, “Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.”  Jesus reach out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!"  Immediately he was cleansed of his leprosy."  Matthew 8:2-3

A man with leprosy.  I did a little research and found that people who suffer from leprosy experience disfigurement of the skin and bones, twisting of the limbs, and curling of the fingers or toes.  Tumor like growth often occurs on their skin and their noses may collapse.  In biblical times, and even in a lot of societies today, people with leprosy suffered stereotypes (it was considered a curse from God often associated with sin) and banishment from their family or neighbors.

came and knelt before him.  I don't know the extent of this man's leprosy, but based on some of the research I did - it would have been hard to 'come' to Jesus.  Often, people with leprosy cannot walk because their limbs are disfigured.  But either way, this man came to Jesus and knelt before him.

and said, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean."  If you are willing - what a beautiful picture of humility before our Lord.  On his knees, in pain, broken, alone - but having complete reverence to say, if you are willing.  Not saying - heal me.   Not saying, do this thing... Just a simple, if you are willing.  Then he said, you can make me clean.  He didn't doubt whether Jesus could do it, he didn't even ask him if he could heal him - he already knew that it was the LORD, and that he could do it.  Only, if he was willing.  His will, the Lord's willingness, not the leper willing the Lord to do it.

Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man.   Now this is where I got all worked up and started balling like a baby.  Jesus touched the man, the leper.  The same man that was on outcast, that hundreds of people probably walked by, maybe refused to look at - Jesus touched him.  And as I thought about this more, I wondered... just how long had it been since this man had been touched?  Lepers were deemed cursed. In my mind's eye, I bet he had not been touched or shown love in a long, long time.  I can't even begin to imagine what he felt just to be touched by not just a human, but by Jesus.  I can only imagine the love he felt in that moment. 

"I am willing," he said. "Be clean!"  I need to grab a tissue.  I am willing.  Be clean.  I don't have words, because the words of Jesus are enough here.  I am willing - be clean!       

Immediately he was cleansed of his leprosy.  Just like that, he was cleansed.  It is amazing how the touch of Jesus.  No.  The LOVE of Jesus can cleanse us - immediately.

This piece of scripture has got me all worked up in more ways than one.  It is time to ask the Lord to examine my heart... again!  This dying to self is SUCH a daily thing, and this piece of scripture reminded me of that.  

Holy Spirit, show me.  Am I willing?

Are there any lepers among me?  Do I refuse them love because of the way they look, or talk, or act?  Do I dismiss them as hopeless?  Do I only pray for them from afar?  Give me the heart, Lord, to show them love the same way that Jesus did to the leper.  To touch them.  To love them.  To be willing, always.  

Remind me Lord, that in all of my pain, the lonely places in my heart - to come.  Humble myself, kneel before you and say -  Lord, if you are willing.  Cleanse me of my self righteous thoughts, my roller coaster emotions, my selfish desires and let my heart beat as one with yours, Lord.  Make my thoughts, my emotions and my desires be the same as yours.  Give me the same heart as you and opportunities to love all people that you died on the cross for.  

For I too have been a leper.. stereotyped, treated like an outcast.  But you were willing.  You touched me.  You loved me.  You made me clean.  

- R

I love that kid.

Caleb's teacher emailed me on Wednesday to tell me that he was going to be rewarded on Friday for demonstrating their core value of the month.  She ended her email with, "He makes me laugh every day, I love that kid."

I just smiled.  If only I had a dollar for every time someone said that to me about Caleb.  "I love that kid."  

And you know what?  I love that kid too.  

Even when his personality is a little too big for his britches, God knew what he was doing when he gave me this precious boy as a gift.  I would be bored to tears without the husband and children God blessed me with and there is never a dull moment when Caleb is around.

He was rewarded for displaying Individuality and this mama could not be any more proud.  I stand back and look at my son, my only son, and I am in awe.  I really am.  And not just because I am his mama - but because He is one of the coolest kids I know and is very comfortable in his own skin.

He got two rewards last year (hey, can't a mom brag just a little bit?).  One was for Generosity.   The other for Hope.  And even though, I was very proud of him for being rewarded with those, this one feels different.

I feel like Bruno and I had a part in showing him, or teaching him how to be generous.  Not just with things, but with words and with affection.  He was rewarded for his generosity because he always had something kind & uplifting to say to his teacher and classmates.  I feel like Bruno and I even had a part in teaching him and showing him how there is always Hope.  We have pointed him to Jesus Christ and tried to display how to place his Hope in God and what He can do in any situation, especially the hardest situations. 

But I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that him being rewarded for his individuality is all of God's work in him.  Him being all God created Him to be.  And honestly, I think I could stand to learn a thing, or ten... maybe 20 from him.  The truth is, I wish I was as comfortable in my own skin as Caleb is. 

I wish I could be myself without worrying about what anyone else thinks.

I wish I could laugh hysterically at myself even when no one else does (ok, wait - maybe I do that already).

I wish I didn't compare myself to others.

I wish I could forgive as easily and quickly as he can.

I wish I was okay with being my loud, boisterous self without trying to tame it down a bit because other people don't like it. 

I wish I could recognize my talents and use them.

I wish my heart was half as big as his is.

I wish I got as excited about small things as he does.

I wish I was as fearless as He is.

I wish I could say exactly what needs to be said out of my heart instead of my flesh the way he does.

The letter that was sent home today said that he has been seen discovering who he is meant to be to make a difference.  He makes a big difference in being part of our family, that's for sure.  I am excited to see what the Lord continues to do in this generous, hopeful, one of a kind individual.

There is no doubt in my mind that the Lord will use him to make a difference for His Kingdom.  I pray that Caleb never ceases to be exactly who the Lord made him to be.

A Father's Love

I started reading through other blogs that I have written and came to the blog I wrote about Father's Day of this year.  Here is what I wrote back on June 19th at the very end of the blog, "Father's Day was a reminder of who God created me to be, who he has molded me to be with influence from both of these men, and where He is leading me.  I am reminded to never lose my saltiness and let my light shine before men, that they may see my good deeds and praise my Father in heaven."  (taken from Matthew 5:13-16)

That they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. 

I had the honor of speaking at a women's ministry night about two weeks ago and this was one of the scriptures He lead me to include.  What I didn't realize at the time was that He had been putting this scripture in front of me for months. 

Since June. 

Since Father's Day, which was also my birthday.

I have read that scripture a million times, and have always focused on my light shining.... but at this point in my life - this part sticks out to me so, so much.   YOUR FATHER in Heaven. 

I think in one way or another we have all known God to be....

Our Creator.

Our Maker.

Our Provider.

I have always thought that I have known Him as my Father, but not in the way that I have come to truly know Him as my Father over the last few months.

Prior to August 3rd, I would go to God with my troubles, but I would also talk it through with the parents that the Lord entrusted me to.  Since August 3, 2012 - I have come to a place where God, my Father in Heaven, has been my sole source of love, of joy, of advice and has been my only parent.

When I need to process through something, I go to Him.

When I need a shoulder to cry on, I go to Him.

When I am angry, I go to Him.

When I don't know what to do in a situation, I go to Him.

When I am at the end of my rope, I go to Him.

When I need to be reminded that I am worthy of being loved, I go to Him.

When I need to be reminded that I am wanted as a member of a family, I go to Him.

When I look at my surroundings and feel alone and need to be reminded that I am not alone, I go to Him.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I really know what it means to have a Father in Heaven. 

A Father that has always been there. 

A Father that doesn't feel like a failure because of my past decisions. 

A Father that delights in having me as His child. 

A Father that knows my favorite food and my favorite color.

A Father that knows what makes me laugh and what makes me cry.

A Father that notices me.

A Father that would never harm me.

A Father that Forgives.

A Father that unconditionally loves me, no matter what.

Faith

Sometimes I need to be reminded.  

Even if you have heard my story about this trail before, I encourage you to read through to the end.*

I needed to be reminded of how I learned what true Faith looks like.  I learned that lesson in May of 2010 on the Kalalau Trail. To paint the story for you, please take a trip down memory lane with me.  My husband and I were celebrating our 5 year anniversary on the island of Kaua'i.  It was about 5:30 pm and Bruno wanted to take the short hike on the Kalalau Trail to Hanakapiai Beach.

  

I am not the outdoorsy, physical type and I really didn't want to, but I went anyways.  We set out with a backpack, 2 waters and our camera.  The scenery that we experienced on the hike was insane.  This hike had the most beautiful, scenic views - but you sure had to work for it! 

I am already tired in this picture, can't you tell by the look on my face?

After what seemed like forever, we finally got to the beach at sunset.  For the record, I think the sun set the fastest I have ever seen it set in my life on this particular evening.

I remember we both said, we should probably start heading back, it's getting dark fast!  We had only been at the beach for about 5 minutes - enough time to take some pictures.  

We are both visibly tired here.

This is how quickly it got dark, it had just been minutes after the shot above when I took this pic.

We started rushing back and within minutes... it was dark.  Not the kind of dark where you can still see a little bit.  I mean DARK, pitch black, can't see your hand in front of your face darkness!  We stood still.  What on Earth were we going to do?  We did not have flashlights.  We weren't prepared for this.   

this is an actual photo I took with my camera... with the flash ON to try to see where we were going)

Bruno asked what I wanted to do and right when I was contemplating the thought of just sitting and waiting the night out, I started hearing crackling noises around me (I guess from critters that come out to play in the dark) and I am certain something was on my foot, I felt it!  At that point I remember telling Bruno that there was no way I was going to sit there all night.  NO WAY!  (Not to mention, there are lots of mosquitoes in Kaua'i, and the area of the trail we were on is just about 8 miles away from one of the rainiest places on Earth (it receives 460 inches a year).  Why would this worry me?  Please glance at the first two pictures on this blog and imagine walking that, in pitch darkness, when it's raining and it's muddy.  What I didn't take a lot of pictures of either are the amounts of rocks and tree roots that are all over this trail.)  Back to the story.

This is how close we were to the edge and falling to our death at one point.

We tried to use the flash of the camera to see where we were going and this worked for a little while, but it made us dizzy - think of a strobe light.  So we started using the red light on the camera that I had that would shine a small flash of red before it would take a picture.  And we prayed.  Oh Lord, how we prayed.

Part of the trail, going downhill.

Looking back on these pictures I realized  I used to focus on these things:

 - It was dark

 - It was scary

 - We had no water

 - We had no light

 - We had no protection from the elements (mosquitos, rain, etc..)

 - We were on a tiny trail

 - We were not experienced hikers

 - We were alone

 - There were tons of rocks, roots, streams, etc... that we had a hard time walking through in the light that we would have to cross in the dark

 - We were tired!

But, now I focus on these things:

 - we both had a new found strength to make it off of that trail

 - we suddenly weren't as tired as we thought we were

 - even though we stumbled - a lot, we didn't fall. 

 - we kept going, we perservered

 - it took us much longer to get off of the trail then it took us to hike the first part of the trail... but I don't remember being thirsty on the way out, even though we had gone through 2 bottles of water on the way in

 - our resolve to get off of that trail was much greater than our fear of being stuck on the trail

 - I didn't think about anything on that trail, except staying firm footed and focusing on that narrow path and on the Lord.  I didn't care about my house, my clothes, my hair, my shoes, my car, my job, my skinned up knees - nothing.  I did think about my kids once, but quickly shifted my focus back to that narrow pathway and Jesus.  

 - I prayed with an expectation during that dark hike

We knew we had made it when I snapped this shot because we saw the sign.

When we made it off of that trail, I think that is the happiest Bruno and I have ever been in our lives. And let me tell you.... It did not rain at all the whole time we were on that trail praying that it wouldn't rain... but the SECOND, we stepped foot into the parking lot.. a downpour of showers came.  We did not have a single mosquito bite, we were not dehydrated, we were not dead.  It is evidence of the Lord's faithfulness when we wholeheartedly place our Faith and Trust in Him.  

If you look at the pictures during the trail, I am visibly tired.  Bruno is too.  It was a hard hike.  We took a picture when we got back to the car, here it is:  

Do you see the difference?  We look like we had just won the lottery.  And in a lot of ways, I think we had.

This weekend Bruno and I went and looked back through the pictures of our experience that night again together and we talked about our experience.  One thing I said in my email to my friend, and oddly enough this past Sunday my pastor said something similar.... My husband and I didn't find the Faith that we have in the Lord in the light... we found it in the darkness... In an uncomfortable, scary place where my husband and I had to be 100% dependent upon the Lord - during that pitch black, dark hike down the trail.

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."  Hebrews 11:1 

I learned what it's like to have a full faith in the Lord on that trail in Kaua'i... and sometimes, I just need to be reminded.  Faith requires action, a willingness to Trust and to be led blindly.  Fear only requires a lack of faith.   

And so, I will leave you with this.  Faith and fear have the same thing in common - they both focus on a future that hasn't happened yet.  So which one will you choose?  Why, and how, could we possibly choose fear when we already know what the outcome is.  The Lord has spoken, He has said it... It is Finished. If you can't think of something to place your Faith in, then place it in that.

  

If you are at a place in your life where you feel stuck... where you can't see what's in front of you... I urge you to get up, press on, and walk by Faith.  The Lord is faithful and He will lead you.

An Open Letter to My Son

Dear Caleb,

My son, you were created with purpose.  You were conceived just a few weeks after the doctor said that we only had a 50% chance of having children.  You see, you have been a precious, perfect gift from the beginning.

Your dad and I already had two children, two girls, and we both really wanted a son.  I prayed every single day that I would have a boy.  Your dad did not want to find out if we were having a boy or a girl based on the sonogram so I waited a long nine months for your arrival.  While I was in the delivery room, I will never forget the moment you were born and your dad shouted 'IT'S A BOY!'.  I wish I could have bottled up that moment.  It was already a miracle, in my mind, that you were conceived and then you were, indeed, a boy.

When you turned 4, you started to have problems with your speech. It started off as minor stuttering and then changed into pretty severe stammering.  We took you to some specialists and at one of the offices they decided to check your hearing.  They came to me and your dad and said that we needed to take you to an ear specialist immediately because you were almost completely deaf in both of your ears, but more specifically, your right ear.  A day or two later as I was driving to pick you up for that appointment, I remember crying out to the Lord for divine, supernatural healing.  We went to your appointment and they performed several extensive tests on your ears.  The doctor, with a puzzled look on his face, requested the results from 2 days earlier that had been sent over and compared them with your current results.  Your hearing wasn't only ok, it was beyond that - specifically in your right ear.  It was another precious, perfect gift from the Lord....a miracle.  I still have a copy of your test that I plan to show you when you are old enough to understand.  You still had a stammering issue, but with the help of a heaven sent specialist named Rachel, your speech was much better within a year's time.   It was during this year of your life that I prayed that the Lord would use you to speak to me - and boy, has he answered that prayer.

When you were in kindergarten last year I got a phone call from your teacher.  She said she wanted to make sure she hadn't hurt your feelings when you told her that you made it snow.  She said she questioned you about how on earth you made it snow and that you said, "I didn't make it snow.  I prayed to Heaven for snow and God answered my prayer."  You have always boldly, and loudly given God glory and it humbles me.  I have seen you pray for rain on a hot, scorching day and that same day, or the next day, it rains or at least sprinkles for a little bit.  I have had you lay your hands on me when I don't feel well, and pray for healing.  I almost always feel better.  I have to believe that the Lord is building up your Faith and Trust in Him and I cannot wait to see how He uses you for His Kingdom.

I love the things you say.  Some of my favorites are:

"Mom, did you pray for the Lord to help you find it?  (I said no)  Well, quit complaining and getting fuh-rus-tuh-rated and pray.  (I did & found what I was looking for about 1 minute later).  See, all you gotta do is pray mom....duh!"

Me: "Caleb quit being so loud!"
Caleb: "Mom, God did not create me to be quiet and He didn't create you to be that way either"

"I don't want to do that, but because I am a southern gentleman, I will"

"Every time I say yes, just pretend like I am saying yes ma'am, that way you don't have to keep correcting me"

I have been really focused on listening to your prayers the past couple of weeks and I am always blown away by the things you pray.  Now, don't get me wrong, you pray that you get a blue face at school and that you and your sister would try not to fight so much, etc... but you also pray things like this... and this is what I have been focused on :

 - "Lord, you are so Heavenly, I lift up everyone in my family and school to you and Lord, I pray that you would show them just a little bit of your light and keep shining it on them"

 - "Oh, Father - you are so Creative.  You are the Creator, God.  You created everything.  You created me and the family you gave me so perfectly."

 - "Lord, I pray for the kids at my school, even the ones that are mean to me, will you please show your heart to theirs?"

 - "Lord, I am happy that one day you are going to come back, and there are going to be flashes of lighting and thunder, and everyone will know that you are the Lord"

 - "I am glad that I have a relationship with you, my Father, did you hear me when I was under the slide today praying to you telling you that I am glad for that?"

 - "Lord, I love my little sister so much and I don't want her to be scared or feel uncomfortable.  Please take away what she's scared of and make her feel safe. I love her too much to know that she feels scared."
You are not mimicking my prayers.  You are praying these things straight from your heart and the relationship that you have with the Lord, at age 6, and it blows me away.  When I listen to your prayers, I know that you are in love with Jesus - not the things that he can do for us, but what He has already done.

Because of your faithfulness to the Lord, Caleb, I am humbled and I am more than honored to be your mother.  You bring such laughter and joy into our lives and the lives of others.  I thank God that he hand picked me, before I came to know the Lord, to be a mother to a son like you. You have such a forgiving heart, a true love for people, and a faith that can move mountains.  I cannot wait to see what God's will is for your life, but I know that whatever it is, you will make sure that God gets the glory - you already live your life that way, it comes naturally to you.

Love,
Mom

Chocolate Flavored Grace

The other day I was at the end of my rope with my two youngest kids.  Have you ever had one of those days where within the first 20 minutes of the morning, you kind of already know how the day is going to go... and it's not good?  Well, that's the kind of day that my two youngest kids and I were having.  So I did what any 'Mother of the Year' would; I took them to Target... when it was open...with other people there...in public.

I honestly don't know what I was thinking.  Maybe I thought that if I got out of the house for a little bit, then I'd at least be able to deal with them better?  Needless to say, our Target trip was nothing short of torture.  Within the first 2 minutes of being there, Caleb had managed to knock over numerous items on the shelves.  Add a few mintues onto that and Liana had thrown, and was still throwing, a full fledged fit because I wouldn't buy her lip gloss.  She promised that she wouldn't eat it this time, but I know her better than that (and I used to eat it too).  Then, they had to use the bathroom - every 10 minutes.  And of course... you can probably guess what came next... "I am hungry, I'm starving...I want chocolate milk, I want an icee, can I buy this toy, I want a shirt - why does she get a shirt and I don't."  I was seriously about to lose my mind. 

Then, it was time to check out.  I said "NO" to about 20 candy and gum requests.  Caleb then managed to push the cart into my leg with all of the force that he could muster, on accident, of course.  Liana started crying, again, because I wouldn't let her check out with my debit card.  At this point, I turned away from them - walked to the little cafe that was directly across from us - grabbed 2 chocolate milks, bought them and handed them to the kids.  I wish I would have been able to capture the look on their faces when I handed them the chocolate milk. Heck, now that I think about it - I would have liked to have seen the look on my face when I did it because in that moment, I was totally not operating in my flesh.

I handed them their chocolate milks and Caleb said, "But, I thought we couldn't have anything because of our behavior?"  I replied, "Son, this is how God's grace works.  When we don't deserve the things we want, or we don't act a certain way, God still loves us and shows us grace.  Even though you didn't have good behavior at home, or in the store.  I still love you, and I want you to have this - I am showing you some grace today."

The reaction from them was priceless.  They sat quiet for a minute processing everything I had said to them, which I was glad for because I needed some time to process what I had just done too.  Then came the big hugs and kisses.  They told me they were so sorry for behaving the way they had and that I was the best mother ever.  Their attitude changed completely for the rest of the day.  They were little angels, hugging me, having manners, getting along great, doing things for each other, showing each other and me grace... Grace is good.

What the Holy Spirit spoke to me in this situation was 2 things.  #1) More often than not, I am that child - throwing my fits, knocking things over and upset that I am not getting what I want when I want it.  But, God still loves me.  Jesus still died for me and my ridiculous behavior.  And, God still blesses me - sometimes with things, sometimes just with His presence - He shows me grace.  #2)  My reaction to God's grace and blessings isn't always the same as my kids.  I think I have often taken grace for granted.  I don't always give the Lord immediate praise and change my attitude when He shows me grace, and I don't always - in turn, extend grace to others.

^"And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." - Matthew 18: 3-4

I am thankful that the Lord continues to show me things and work on me through my children and my experiences with my children.  As the Lord shows me grace today, I will get a little closer to him (to give him a hug), praise him (by telling Him that He is the best Father ever) and I will change my attitude. 

Father God, fill me with Grace, and allow me to fill others with grace towards them.  Grace is good and you are Good - In Jesus Name. 

My Beloved

I thought I would share my 'Go To' song when I'm having a hard moment/day/week/month.  I picture myself there, with Him singing this over me.  Read the lyrics below and really sit in it for a moment.  Then, if you'd like - I have posted the video below if you'd like to hear it.

You're my beloved, you're my bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me, my love.

Under my mercy come and wait
Til we are standing face to face
I see no stain on you my child.

You're beautiful, to me.
So beautiful, to me.

I sing over you my song of peace.
Cast all your cares down at my feet.
Come and find your rest in me.

(this is my favorite part)
I'll breathe my life inside of you.
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings.
And hide you in the shadow of my strength.
I'll take you to my quiet waters.
I'll restore your soul.
Come rest in me and be made whole.

You're my beloved, you're my bride
To sing over you is my delight.
Come away with me, my love.

 - My Beloved, Kari Jobe

For your listening pleasure...

Higher Ground

Yesterday, I woke up and decided to water our plants and our trees.  When I went to water one of the trees I noticed the biggest spider web I have ever seen that was connected to two of our trees.  I sprayed the web.  Once I started spraying the web, I noticed the spider began to scurry along its web.  I was curious to see which tree it was going to run towards, and it ran to the bigger tree, in an upward motion (the other tree was smaller and the spider would have had to have run in a downward motion).  Once the spider was on the tree, I started spraying the tree where the spider was to see what it would do.  It ran upwards.  I sprayed above the spider to see if it would run down, and it wouldn't budge.  Even through the force of the water that was ahead of it, it continued to run up.

This intrigued me, so I did what any sane person would do... I kept trying to out squirt the spider.  It never fell off of the tree, or stopped in its tracks while I was spraying it.  It never tried to hide behind a leaf or even crawl to the other side of the tree. It would just run upwards.  Once the spider was too high for me to spray I left it alone, but I was still intrigued.

I quickly felt the Holy Spirit ask me if that's what I do in times of despair?  Do I run upward, towards higher  ground?  Do I resist the enemy by running to my God, the most high, until I am out of the enemy's reach and he flees from me?

The truth is, I don't know if I press on as much as this spider did.  Don't get me wrong, I run upward quite often.  But I must admit, I do, at times grow weary in running upward with the water falling on my back.  I run upward, but sometimes, I find myself thinking, I can rest here and seek protection behind this leaf.  I run upward, but the raging waters of my enemy that I see in front of me can make me hesitate to press on or push through the water.  I run upward, but sometimes I run around to the other side to try to hide.  I run upward, but can sometimes feel like letting go of the tree, instead of clinging to it, because it seems like it's easier to just let go.  All of these things cause delay.

Which brought me to another thought... when I pray, do I pray out of an offensive spirit, or a defensive spirit.  Do I pray things in such a way to claim victory over what Christ has already said is finished?   Or do I pray things in such a way to defend myself from my worldly troubles, to protect me from the troubles instead of embracing them and pushing through them with the victory of the Spirit of the living God within me?.

Today, I choose to pray on the offense and seek higher ground.  I pray that this would begin to come naturally to me, as naturally as it came to the spider.

"Father, thank you for suffering for us Lord so that we would no longer have to suffer eternally.  I claim the victory of everything you did for us on that cross, that even when I feel sick or broken, I am sharing in your suffering Lord, and for that I rejoice.  You say that by your stripes we are healed and I am claiming that promise over my body and my life, in every situation, right now, in Jesus name.  I pray that you would pour out the blood that you already sacrificed onto my broken body,  and my heart.  Transform it, make it line up with every word of God and the way He created it to be.  It is already finished thanks to you Jesus, and I am claiming that victory over my body and my life, right now, in Jesus' Holy name. Amen."

Christmas in July - The Story of Liana

I found out that I was pregnant with Liana just a few days before Thanksgiving in 2006.  My initial reaction was shock, mixed with tears.  At the time my other child, Caleb, was only 7 months old and my husband, Bruno, and I thought we were done having kids - I was even on birth control.  But - God had other plans in store for us. 

We already had two older girls and a boy.  Bruno was rooting for another boy.  I, on the other hand, secretly wanted another girl (mostly because I wasn't the best mother to my first born daugther in her younger years and I really wanted another chance with a daughter).  Not only did I pray for a girl, I prayed for a girl with colored eyes.  Bruno's father has colored eyes and my grandfather had colored eyes, so I thought it wasn't too far fetched - even though my husband and I, and all three of our other kids, have dark hair and brown eyes.  I prayed every single day... Lord, if it isn't too much trouble, can I please have another chance with a daughter and I know this is asking a lot, but I would be so happy if you would give her colored eyes (keep in mind, I was praying this BEFORE I received Jesus Christ into my life).

On July 24, 2007, my son - Caleb was really ill.  Bruno, one of our daughter's, Sarah, and I took him to the emergency room at Children's Hospital where we sat for 3 hours in a waiting room... and then, I went into labor (around 9:30 pm).  We left Children's and started driving to the hospital I was scheduled to deliver at which was about 25 miles away.  But of course, there was a wreck on the highway.  I can still vividly remember being in the car, Bruno driving, I was having contractions and then Caleb was vomitting in the back seat while Sarah was trying to tend to him - all while we were stuck in traffic.  We called my mom and step dad to meet us at the other hospital.  And after what felt like an eternity, we finally got there. 

We went to the ER, where I had to fill out paper work for Caleb since he had still not been seen at Children's - then once that was finally completed, we had to find a security guard to open the locked elevator to get to the second floor since it was after hours.  I filled out more paper work in the labor/delivery ward and got a room so they could monitor me.  It was about 11:30 pm at this point.  Bruno was going back and forth between the ER (where Caleb was with my mom) and being with me.  It was a crazy night!  Then, at 2:41 AM, it was time.  I told the nurse and doctor - "I think this baby is coming out."  They said, "don't push!"   And I said, "I'm not - that's how I am talking to you right now - but it is coming out!"  ( I said 'it' because at this point we had no idea if it was a boy or a girl).  Our baby was born at 2:42 AM on July 25, 2007.  And it was.... a girl.  Not only was it a girl, it was a girl with blue eyes!   It felt like Christmas!

The Lord had answered my prayer.  Bruno and I debated over several names for the next 10 minutes or so - Sophia, Olivia, Christina, Lisa, Claudia, and after much discussion, we decided to name her Liana.  I wanted to name her Liana Rene' (after me), but my husband said that there were already enough Rene's for us all to deal with in our family.  I am the only Rene'... and he's probably right.  At the time of naming her, we did not know what Liana meant.  We just liked the way the name sounded.  Years later, after I came to receive Jesus Christ, I looked up the meaning of her name and Liana is a short version of the name Eliana which is Hebrew and means 'My God Has Answered Me'.  IS THAT NOT INCREDIBLE?!?!!!!!   It just goes to show you that God is ALWAYS in the midst of things, even when we don't realize it - and even BEFORE we know we are His.  He already knows how His perfect plan will come together in our lives and every year, this story of Liana is just one of the ways that I am constantly reminded of that.

From Left to Right - Our Children:  Alyssa, Liana, Sarah, Caleb

The way she entered the world is a reflection of the kind of personality she has, so far, in life.  She keeps things interesting, tends to do things at her own pace when she wants regardless of what anyone says or thinks, and she is headstrong.  She is our chatter box, caretaker, defender, sassy prass, rough & tough, girlie, animal lover, fearless, and our little firecracker (looks like she may have gotten some of that Rene' in there after all - no middle name needed)! 

Praise God for answering my prayer.  He is faithful and hears our prayers.

Happy Birthday Liana ~ Mommy loves you, but God loves you even more!

Three Years Ago Tomorrow

Three years ago tomorrow... I received Jesus Christ into my life.

Three years ago tomorrow... my husband recommited his life to Jesus Christ.

Three years ago tomorrow... my husband and I both allowed Jesus Christ to break the bondage of alcoholism within our marriage and to change the legacy of alcoholism within our families. 

Three years ago tomorrow... with the Lord's prompting, we both committed to stop drinking alcohol and have not had a drop of it for the past 3 years.

Three years ago tomorrow... I felt a zeal and joy that I don't think I had ever experienced in my entire life prior to that date.

Three years ago tomorrow... I saw my husband change before my eyes and become an amazing, selfless, giving, servant of the Lord.  He continues to grow in this area and inspires me everyday.

Three years ago tomorrow... I began to forgive people, including myself.

Three years ago tomorrow... because of the immediate grace, mercy and peace I felt - all I wanted to do was tell anyone and everyone that would listen about the good news of Christ and to invite them to taste and see that the Lord is good. 

Three years ago tomorrow... changed everything. 

The Gift that Keeps on Giving

Growing up I have had many different friendships, all at many different levels.  Most of them have lasted for a season of my life, but I do have one friendship that has lasted for 20 years.

I met Erica when we were in 6th grade (both 11 years old).  When you ask her what she first thought of me, she will say that she was a little intimidated by me and my big ol mouth straight forward personality (some things never change) and I thought she was too quiet, or too much of a goody two shoes.  But, nonetheless, we became friends.  We went to the same middle school where we were on the same 7th grade pep squad and 8th grade cheerleading team.  In high school, we hung out with pretty much the same crowd, went to lots of during after school activities together and even rode to our Senior prom in the same limo.  After our high school graduation, most of our friends all kind of went our separate ways.  Erica and I, however, always seemed to maintain our friendship and could always pick up right where we left off, even if we hadn't talked for a while.  At one point we even worked for the same company and we were pregnant together.

    

I will never forget the day she told me that she had received Jesus Christ and was quitting her dancing career with the Dallas Desperados.  I didn't even know what that meant, to receive Jesus Christ, I just knew that she had changed a lot and was making a lot of changes in her life.  Even though I didn't understand what she was doing, or why, I continued to be friends with Erica (sadly, many of our mutual friends didn't).  Erica would often talk to me about the Lord, but I didn't understand the language she was speaking.  I was of the world, and even though the things she said to me sounded good - I wasn't really up for having to change my lifestyle nor did I have an open heart to hear what she was saying.  But, our friendship still continued.

Then, on July 24, 2009 - I knew exactly what she was talking about!  That is the day I received Jesus Christ into my life.  I was at my house, in my bedroom - and I fell to my knees and cried out to Jesus.  I called her and told her and I don't know who was more excited in that moment - her or me?!  It was then that she told me that she had been praying for my salvation every single day since the day she was saved on May 14, 2003.   It was, and still is, the single best gift anyone has ever given me.   If you ask her about it, she will tell you that at times she just didn't even know what that would look like, for me of all people, to be saved since I was so far in the deep end.  But she never gave up and knew that God was able.

I am still humbled and brought to tears when I think that someone loved me as much as Erica did, to be that intentional about praying for me every single day - and trusting God to do His work in my life.  I am brought to tears even more by knowing that even with all of the unconditional love Erica has shown me, God still loves me more. 

This week Erica's husband, Chris, was speaking at the YFN camp at the Christ for the Nations Institute.  She asked me to attend, just like she has for the past 2 or 3 years, and Bruno and I attended with our two oldest girls.  Chris' message was so powerful and clearly inspired by the Holy Spirit that I recommitted my life to Christ this past Monday.  We went back with our girls to hear his second message on Wednesday, and Alyssa, one of our daughters, received Jesus Christ into her life during another powerful message that Chris delivered.

I am in awe of God as I type this blog.  I am also very grateful for Him bringing Erica into my life 20 years ago.  It's amazing at how our friendship was hand orchestrated for her to pray for my salvation, and for Him to use Erica's husband and his message to inspire Alyssa to receive Jesus Christ. 

I have often whined felt that I have a hard time with friendships, particularly maintining them, in my adulthood.   But I am finally at a place where I really trust that God knows what He is doing, specifically with my friendships.  Some friends will be woven closer than others, but I am so glad that He has woven Erica and I as tightly together as He has, a chord that cannot easily be broken.

Erica, if you are reading this - I love you girl!  Thank you for the wonderful gift of unconditional friendship, for being my cheerleader, my encourager, my voice of reason when I am being completely irrational (ha!), having the courage to tell me when I was in the wrong and for praying for my salvation.  Even though we don't get to see each other as often as we'd like you are always in my heart.

For everyone else reading this blog - I am a direct product of an answer to what seems like an impossible prayer.  I encourage anyone reading this to pick one person that you know that has not received Jesus Christ into their life and pray for them incessantly in the same way that Erica prayed for me.  It could be a complete game changer for your friend or family member and for their children and their children's children.         

Dad

My parents separated when I was 5 and were divorced about a year later.  Around the time the divorce was finalized, my mom started dating and that is when I met Rod.  I had no idea at the time that the red headed, raised on a farm, man from South Dakota would become my step-father.  But he did, when I was 8 years old.  Then I came to know my Heavenly Father when I was 28 years old.  As I have aged, my feelings about Father's Day have always been mixed.

I would say that for the most part, I have always enjoyed honoring the man who raised me (at least when my birthday didn't fall on Father's Day, which it did, again, this year).  But, I always remember there being a hesitation to call my 'real' dad and wish him a Happy Father's Day.  I think I was angry, hurt and resentful towards him for most of my childhood. 

My real dad had not called me on my birthday for the last 4 or 5 years - which was hurtful, I am not going to lie, but I paid him back by not calling him on Father's Day (mature, I know).  For the last, almost 2 years, we have not talked to each other - at all.  But, on Sunday June 17th - my real dad called me.  I looked down and saw his name and froze.  I ALMOST didn't answer, but I did and I didn't give a normal greeting - I answered with saying Happy Father's Day (something that has always been hard for me to say to him).  He laughed and wished me a Happy Birthday.  I know it sounds simple, but given the fact that we had not talked in 2 years, nor wished each other a Happy anything for the past 4 or 5 years, it was kind of a big deal.  This is especially true because of the word I heard at church this past Sunday.  To sum it up, one of the Pastor's touched on how he had harbored bitterness towards his earthly Father never being there for him when he was younger.  But our Heavenly Father used his Grandfather (who raised him) to show him what his Heavenly Father looked like, and because of that he has been able to release the bitterness he held towards his earthly Father and now has a relationship with him and has even taken on a somewhat of care taker role.  So the fact that my real dad called me that evening, I am sure, is not a coincidence.  I am certain it was hand orchestrated by God, and quite frankly - I am curious to see where God is going with this.

When you take a look at both of my Dads, and their contrast, it's kind of hilarious.  I know that I probably wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't have a little bit of my real dad and my step dad in me.  One thing they have in common - they are well respected by their peers.  Happy Father's Day to both of my dads, would you like to meet them?

This is my real dad, Clovis (yes, you read that right - Clovis).  The rebel without a cause (ok, sometimes with).  Although I don't remember much about him from my early childhood, I do remember him being a good cook (a trait that I did not pick up).  Clovis is an AA sponsor and has helped hundreds of people come off of their dependency on alcohol (he himself has been alcohol free for about 25 years now).  As an adult, I kid you not, 2 out of every 10 people that know my maiden last name, associate it with his (it's not a common maiden name) and tell me "your dad helped me stop drinking" or "your dad helped my friend".  He has several tattoos, and peircings - some visible, some hidden.  All of which he did not acquire until after the age of 55!  There are certain traits of my dad, that I think I have - the first being his rebel blood, his outspoken nature, his spontaneity, his ability to laugh at himself, his love for salt and his ability to talk someone's ear off (sorry Bruno, I got it from him and my mom).  What I love most about my dad are the crazy analogies he comes up with and hearing him tell somone that if they would bring him some salt he would dance at their wedding (by the way, he only has half of a foot, so that would be hard).  What God continues to show me through him is his compassion towards people.  My dad is 70 years old and still sponsors alcoholics.  Not only does he sponsor people, he invites complete strangers, with drug and alcohol dependencies, with no where to go, into his home and gives them food, and a place to live.  He has done this since I was at least 8 years old.  My dad has never once judged anyone, nor does he care (not even a little bit) about what people say, or think, of him.  I hope to one day pick up on these traits.

This is my other dad, Rod.  The constant.  I met Rod when I was 6 years old and he became my step-dad when I was 8.  Rod took on the role of being my dad quite naturally.  I don't ever remember feeling like I was a step child.  On the contrary, he always made me feel loved, safe and cared for.  Rod has always been, and will always be, my dad in all aspects.  I call him the constant, because that is what he is.  Constant and consistent.  He was always there when I played sports, even though I was never great at them - I always had a fan in the stands.  He was there for my entire teenage pregnancy (age 16) and it wasn't my mom, or the father of my child that would take me to my appointments.  It was Rod (and the nurses would give him dirty looks, I guess they didn't know he was my step dad - ha).  Throughout my pregnancy we would go on walks together every single night and when I went into labor he was the one that timed my contractions at midnight while we watched M.A.S.H. (which, I don't recommend watching while in labor) and drove me to the hospital.  Throughout my ups and downs of life, I can look out and I always see Rod's face.  When I went into labor with Liana, 10 years after my first child, Caleb was also sick and in the E.R.  I called my mom and Rod to come to the hospital to help Bruno and I with this crazy situation, and it was kind of funny sitting back in the labor and delivery room with Rod next to my side - just like old times (Bruno and my mom were in the ER with Caleb).  It was a reminder of how Rod has always been there for me, and I know he always will be.  Anytime I meet someone who knows Rod the first thing that comes out of their mouth is "He's a good man".  And you know what, he is.  Traits that I am certain I have picked up from Rod are his sarcasm, his methodical way of looking at the big picture and analyzing a situation, his loyalty and his baking skills.  What I love most about him is that he understands my humor, isn't easily offended, and never makes a mountain out of a mole hill.  What God continues to show me through him is genuine faithfulness, how to have a listening ear, humility and loving kindness.  I am shown the fruit of the spirit through Rod by him fathering me and being an amazing grandfather to my kids.  He never brags about anything or feels the need to go on and on about himself.  He always finds time for others, despite his busy schedule.  I hope that all of these things will one day come naturally to me the way they do to him.

One thing is for sure, although I have a well balanced mixture of traits from both of my dads - I think we can all agree that I do not look like either one of them.  I choose to believe that this was by God's design.  On Father's Day I realized how blessed I am by these two men, but I was also reminded that I am here because of my Heavenly Father and for my Heavenly Father.  Father's Day was a reminder of who God created me to be, who he has molded me to be with influence from both of these men, and where He is leading me.  I am reminded to never lose my saltiness and let my light shine before men, that they may see my good deeds and praise my Father in heaven.

What Kind of Bowl Are You?

One of my deepest desires is for the Lord to constantly use me as a vessel to bring Glory to His Name.  I want to be a vessel that our Father can depend on today, tomorrow and for always.  I often pray Lord, Here am I - send me.  I find myself waiting on pins and needles, at times, looking for His footprints where He has paved the way to allow me to do something for His Kingdom.  And, more often than not, I am left sitting on those pins and needles. 

Excitement & conviction came rushing in like a flood through my body when I heard Isaiah 66:19-20 this morning (scripture at the bottom).   I love everything about this scripture;  I don't know why, but the words cereal and vessel stick out to me like a sore thumb.  The Holy Spirit then began to show me why:

When I think of a cereal bowl, I think of a plastic bowl that gets used often.  It is resilient and sturdy.  It can be thrown around or fall off of a table, and it will not break.  It is constantly filled with milk, grains, fruits, etc...  A cereal bowl can be used indoors, or outdoors.  Adults use cereal bowls and small fingers are also trusted with cereal bowls.  While it is being used, it doesn't make much noise.  Once its use has been fulfilled, it is thrown into the sink and hangs out with the other dirty dishes.  It is then cleaned.  During its cleaning process, it can be mixed in with all other dishes or utensils for it does no harm to other dishes, nor do those dishes do harm to it.  Once it is cleaned and dried it gets put away.  The cereal bowls in our house are stacked in an everyday cabinet for easy access.  More often than not, cereal bowls are used again within the same week, although not always used for cereal.  They can be used for anything and everything. 

Then there is fine china.  A fine china bowl is fancy and nice to look at.  It gets special treatment.  It is often stored away in a 'china cabinet' with glass windows and is on display for all to see.  When there is a special occasion, a fancy dinner or an impression that needs to be made, the fine china comes out.  However, since it has been sitting so long, it needs to be cleaned before it can be used.  China is usually only used indoors, where it is safe and will not break, and small fingers are usually not trusted with fine china.  When utensils strike the plate during eating, the china makes a lot of noise.  Once it is time to for the china to be cleaned, it needs to be treated VERY carefully, or it might break!  China is not usually thrown into a sink with other dishes or utensils so that it is not scratched.  Once the cleaning and drying process is over, the china is carefully put back into its china cabinet, on display once again.

After this comparison I thought of how much these bowls are a reflection of us as a people, or as followers of Christ.  How often are we the 'fine china bowls', sitting on display with our fellow fine china dishes where we are comfortable.  The fine china is looked at by others and admired, but it isn't easily accessible.  When it is brought out of its comfort zone from time to time, it makes sure that its presence is known and it is delicately handled.  But mostly it sits in its high place looking out of glass windows collecting dust, watching other vessels being used constantly.

A cereal bowl kind of person does not require a lot of maintenance.  It can be used all day, every day and in every way.  It doesn't matter what the cereal bowl looks like, or what other dishes it is thrown up against.  Most importantly, a cereal bowl is always clean, because it is used often.  It is always willing and ready to be used.  Oh Lord, how I long to be a cereal bowl!  "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right, persevering, and steadfast spirit within me.  Then will I teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners shall be converted and return to You.  Cast me not away from Your presence and take not Your Holy Spirit from me.  Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit."  Psalm 51:10-13

My challenge this week is to never go back into the china cabinet.  I want to be taken out, cleansed and used regularly for His Glory.

Isaiah 66:19-20 "And I will set up a miraculous sign among them, and from them I will send survivors to the nations—to Tarshish, Pul (Put), and Lud, who draw the bow, to Tubal and Javan, to the isles and coast lands afar off that have not heard of My fame nor seen My glory. And they will declare and proclaim My glory among the nations. And they shall bring all your brethren from all the nations as an offering to the Lord - upon horses and in chariots and in litters and upon mules and upon camels - to My holy mountain Jerusalem, says the Lord, just as the children of Israel bring their cereal offering in a clean vessel to the house of the Lord."