I love that kid.

Caleb's teacher emailed me on Wednesday to tell me that he was going to be rewarded on Friday for demonstrating their core value of the month.  She ended her email with, "He makes me laugh every day, I love that kid."

I just smiled.  If only I had a dollar for every time someone said that to me about Caleb.  "I love that kid."  

And you know what?  I love that kid too.  

Even when his personality is a little too big for his britches, God knew what he was doing when he gave me this precious boy as a gift.  I would be bored to tears without the husband and children God blessed me with and there is never a dull moment when Caleb is around.

He was rewarded for displaying Individuality and this mama could not be any more proud.  I stand back and look at my son, my only son, and I am in awe.  I really am.  And not just because I am his mama - but because He is one of the coolest kids I know and is very comfortable in his own skin.

He got two rewards last year (hey, can't a mom brag just a little bit?).  One was for Generosity.   The other for Hope.  And even though, I was very proud of him for being rewarded with those, this one feels different.

I feel like Bruno and I had a part in showing him, or teaching him how to be generous.  Not just with things, but with words and with affection.  He was rewarded for his generosity because he always had something kind & uplifting to say to his teacher and classmates.  I feel like Bruno and I even had a part in teaching him and showing him how there is always Hope.  We have pointed him to Jesus Christ and tried to display how to place his Hope in God and what He can do in any situation, especially the hardest situations. 

But I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that him being rewarded for his individuality is all of God's work in him.  Him being all God created Him to be.  And honestly, I think I could stand to learn a thing, or ten... maybe 20 from him.  The truth is, I wish I was as comfortable in my own skin as Caleb is. 

I wish I could be myself without worrying about what anyone else thinks.

I wish I could laugh hysterically at myself even when no one else does (ok, wait - maybe I do that already).

I wish I didn't compare myself to others.

I wish I could forgive as easily and quickly as he can.

I wish I was okay with being my loud, boisterous self without trying to tame it down a bit because other people don't like it. 

I wish I could recognize my talents and use them.

I wish my heart was half as big as his is.

I wish I got as excited about small things as he does.

I wish I was as fearless as He is.

I wish I could say exactly what needs to be said out of my heart instead of my flesh the way he does.

The letter that was sent home today said that he has been seen discovering who he is meant to be to make a difference.  He makes a big difference in being part of our family, that's for sure.  I am excited to see what the Lord continues to do in this generous, hopeful, one of a kind individual.

There is no doubt in my mind that the Lord will use him to make a difference for His Kingdom.  I pray that Caleb never ceases to be exactly who the Lord made him to be.

A Father's Love

I started reading through other blogs that I have written and came to the blog I wrote about Father's Day of this year.  Here is what I wrote back on June 19th at the very end of the blog, "Father's Day was a reminder of who God created me to be, who he has molded me to be with influence from both of these men, and where He is leading me.  I am reminded to never lose my saltiness and let my light shine before men, that they may see my good deeds and praise my Father in heaven."  (taken from Matthew 5:13-16)

That they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. 

I had the honor of speaking at a women's ministry night about two weeks ago and this was one of the scriptures He lead me to include.  What I didn't realize at the time was that He had been putting this scripture in front of me for months. 

Since June. 

Since Father's Day, which was also my birthday.

I have read that scripture a million times, and have always focused on my light shining.... but at this point in my life - this part sticks out to me so, so much.   YOUR FATHER in Heaven. 

I think in one way or another we have all known God to be....

Our Creator.

Our Maker.

Our Provider.

I have always thought that I have known Him as my Father, but not in the way that I have come to truly know Him as my Father over the last few months.

Prior to August 3rd, I would go to God with my troubles, but I would also talk it through with the parents that the Lord entrusted me to.  Since August 3, 2012 - I have come to a place where God, my Father in Heaven, has been my sole source of love, of joy, of advice and has been my only parent.

When I need to process through something, I go to Him.

When I need a shoulder to cry on, I go to Him.

When I am angry, I go to Him.

When I don't know what to do in a situation, I go to Him.

When I am at the end of my rope, I go to Him.

When I need to be reminded that I am worthy of being loved, I go to Him.

When I need to be reminded that I am wanted as a member of a family, I go to Him.

When I look at my surroundings and feel alone and need to be reminded that I am not alone, I go to Him.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I really know what it means to have a Father in Heaven. 

A Father that has always been there. 

A Father that doesn't feel like a failure because of my past decisions. 

A Father that delights in having me as His child. 

A Father that knows my favorite food and my favorite color.

A Father that knows what makes me laugh and what makes me cry.

A Father that notices me.

A Father that would never harm me.

A Father that Forgives.

A Father that unconditionally loves me, no matter what.

Faith

Sometimes I need to be reminded.  

Even if you have heard my story about this trail before, I encourage you to read through to the end.*

I needed to be reminded of how I learned what true Faith looks like.  I learned that lesson in May of 2010 on the Kalalau Trail. To paint the story for you, please take a trip down memory lane with me.  My husband and I were celebrating our 5 year anniversary on the island of Kaua'i.  It was about 5:30 pm and Bruno wanted to take the short hike on the Kalalau Trail to Hanakapiai Beach.

  

I am not the outdoorsy, physical type and I really didn't want to, but I went anyways.  We set out with a backpack, 2 waters and our camera.  The scenery that we experienced on the hike was insane.  This hike had the most beautiful, scenic views - but you sure had to work for it! 

I am already tired in this picture, can't you tell by the look on my face?

After what seemed like forever, we finally got to the beach at sunset.  For the record, I think the sun set the fastest I have ever seen it set in my life on this particular evening.

I remember we both said, we should probably start heading back, it's getting dark fast!  We had only been at the beach for about 5 minutes - enough time to take some pictures.  

We are both visibly tired here.

This is how quickly it got dark, it had just been minutes after the shot above when I took this pic.

We started rushing back and within minutes... it was dark.  Not the kind of dark where you can still see a little bit.  I mean DARK, pitch black, can't see your hand in front of your face darkness!  We stood still.  What on Earth were we going to do?  We did not have flashlights.  We weren't prepared for this.   

this is an actual photo I took with my camera... with the flash ON to try to see where we were going)

Bruno asked what I wanted to do and right when I was contemplating the thought of just sitting and waiting the night out, I started hearing crackling noises around me (I guess from critters that come out to play in the dark) and I am certain something was on my foot, I felt it!  At that point I remember telling Bruno that there was no way I was going to sit there all night.  NO WAY!  (Not to mention, there are lots of mosquitoes in Kaua'i, and the area of the trail we were on is just about 8 miles away from one of the rainiest places on Earth (it receives 460 inches a year).  Why would this worry me?  Please glance at the first two pictures on this blog and imagine walking that, in pitch darkness, when it's raining and it's muddy.  What I didn't take a lot of pictures of either are the amounts of rocks and tree roots that are all over this trail.)  Back to the story.

This is how close we were to the edge and falling to our death at one point.

We tried to use the flash of the camera to see where we were going and this worked for a little while, but it made us dizzy - think of a strobe light.  So we started using the red light on the camera that I had that would shine a small flash of red before it would take a picture.  And we prayed.  Oh Lord, how we prayed.

Part of the trail, going downhill.

Looking back on these pictures I realized  I used to focus on these things:

 - It was dark

 - It was scary

 - We had no water

 - We had no light

 - We had no protection from the elements (mosquitos, rain, etc..)

 - We were on a tiny trail

 - We were not experienced hikers

 - We were alone

 - There were tons of rocks, roots, streams, etc... that we had a hard time walking through in the light that we would have to cross in the dark

 - We were tired!

But, now I focus on these things:

 - we both had a new found strength to make it off of that trail

 - we suddenly weren't as tired as we thought we were

 - even though we stumbled - a lot, we didn't fall. 

 - we kept going, we perservered

 - it took us much longer to get off of the trail then it took us to hike the first part of the trail... but I don't remember being thirsty on the way out, even though we had gone through 2 bottles of water on the way in

 - our resolve to get off of that trail was much greater than our fear of being stuck on the trail

 - I didn't think about anything on that trail, except staying firm footed and focusing on that narrow path and on the Lord.  I didn't care about my house, my clothes, my hair, my shoes, my car, my job, my skinned up knees - nothing.  I did think about my kids once, but quickly shifted my focus back to that narrow pathway and Jesus.  

 - I prayed with an expectation during that dark hike

We knew we had made it when I snapped this shot because we saw the sign.

When we made it off of that trail, I think that is the happiest Bruno and I have ever been in our lives. And let me tell you.... It did not rain at all the whole time we were on that trail praying that it wouldn't rain... but the SECOND, we stepped foot into the parking lot.. a downpour of showers came.  We did not have a single mosquito bite, we were not dehydrated, we were not dead.  It is evidence of the Lord's faithfulness when we wholeheartedly place our Faith and Trust in Him.  

If you look at the pictures during the trail, I am visibly tired.  Bruno is too.  It was a hard hike.  We took a picture when we got back to the car, here it is:  

Do you see the difference?  We look like we had just won the lottery.  And in a lot of ways, I think we had.

This weekend Bruno and I went and looked back through the pictures of our experience that night again together and we talked about our experience.  One thing I said in my email to my friend, and oddly enough this past Sunday my pastor said something similar.... My husband and I didn't find the Faith that we have in the Lord in the light... we found it in the darkness... In an uncomfortable, scary place where my husband and I had to be 100% dependent upon the Lord - during that pitch black, dark hike down the trail.

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."  Hebrews 11:1 

I learned what it's like to have a full faith in the Lord on that trail in Kaua'i... and sometimes, I just need to be reminded.  Faith requires action, a willingness to Trust and to be led blindly.  Fear only requires a lack of faith.   

And so, I will leave you with this.  Faith and fear have the same thing in common - they both focus on a future that hasn't happened yet.  So which one will you choose?  Why, and how, could we possibly choose fear when we already know what the outcome is.  The Lord has spoken, He has said it... It is Finished. If you can't think of something to place your Faith in, then place it in that.

  

If you are at a place in your life where you feel stuck... where you can't see what's in front of you... I urge you to get up, press on, and walk by Faith.  The Lord is faithful and He will lead you.

An Open Letter to My Son

Dear Caleb,

My son, you were created with purpose.  You were conceived just a few weeks after the doctor said that we only had a 50% chance of having children.  You see, you have been a precious, perfect gift from the beginning.

Your dad and I already had two children, two girls, and we both really wanted a son.  I prayed every single day that I would have a boy.  Your dad did not want to find out if we were having a boy or a girl based on the sonogram so I waited a long nine months for your arrival.  While I was in the delivery room, I will never forget the moment you were born and your dad shouted 'IT'S A BOY!'.  I wish I could have bottled up that moment.  It was already a miracle, in my mind, that you were conceived and then you were, indeed, a boy.

When you turned 4, you started to have problems with your speech. It started off as minor stuttering and then changed into pretty severe stammering.  We took you to some specialists and at one of the offices they decided to check your hearing.  They came to me and your dad and said that we needed to take you to an ear specialist immediately because you were almost completely deaf in both of your ears, but more specifically, your right ear.  A day or two later as I was driving to pick you up for that appointment, I remember crying out to the Lord for divine, supernatural healing.  We went to your appointment and they performed several extensive tests on your ears.  The doctor, with a puzzled look on his face, requested the results from 2 days earlier that had been sent over and compared them with your current results.  Your hearing wasn't only ok, it was beyond that - specifically in your right ear.  It was another precious, perfect gift from the Lord....a miracle.  I still have a copy of your test that I plan to show you when you are old enough to understand.  You still had a stammering issue, but with the help of a heaven sent specialist named Rachel, your speech was much better within a year's time.   It was during this year of your life that I prayed that the Lord would use you to speak to me - and boy, has he answered that prayer.

When you were in kindergarten last year I got a phone call from your teacher.  She said she wanted to make sure she hadn't hurt your feelings when you told her that you made it snow.  She said she questioned you about how on earth you made it snow and that you said, "I didn't make it snow.  I prayed to Heaven for snow and God answered my prayer."  You have always boldly, and loudly given God glory and it humbles me.  I have seen you pray for rain on a hot, scorching day and that same day, or the next day, it rains or at least sprinkles for a little bit.  I have had you lay your hands on me when I don't feel well, and pray for healing.  I almost always feel better.  I have to believe that the Lord is building up your Faith and Trust in Him and I cannot wait to see how He uses you for His Kingdom.

I love the things you say.  Some of my favorites are:

"Mom, did you pray for the Lord to help you find it?  (I said no)  Well, quit complaining and getting fuh-rus-tuh-rated and pray.  (I did & found what I was looking for about 1 minute later).  See, all you gotta do is pray mom....duh!"

Me: "Caleb quit being so loud!"
Caleb: "Mom, God did not create me to be quiet and He didn't create you to be that way either"

"I don't want to do that, but because I am a southern gentleman, I will"

"Every time I say yes, just pretend like I am saying yes ma'am, that way you don't have to keep correcting me"

I have been really focused on listening to your prayers the past couple of weeks and I am always blown away by the things you pray.  Now, don't get me wrong, you pray that you get a blue face at school and that you and your sister would try not to fight so much, etc... but you also pray things like this... and this is what I have been focused on :

 - "Lord, you are so Heavenly, I lift up everyone in my family and school to you and Lord, I pray that you would show them just a little bit of your light and keep shining it on them"

 - "Oh, Father - you are so Creative.  You are the Creator, God.  You created everything.  You created me and the family you gave me so perfectly."

 - "Lord, I pray for the kids at my school, even the ones that are mean to me, will you please show your heart to theirs?"

 - "Lord, I am happy that one day you are going to come back, and there are going to be flashes of lighting and thunder, and everyone will know that you are the Lord"

 - "I am glad that I have a relationship with you, my Father, did you hear me when I was under the slide today praying to you telling you that I am glad for that?"

 - "Lord, I love my little sister so much and I don't want her to be scared or feel uncomfortable.  Please take away what she's scared of and make her feel safe. I love her too much to know that she feels scared."
You are not mimicking my prayers.  You are praying these things straight from your heart and the relationship that you have with the Lord, at age 6, and it blows me away.  When I listen to your prayers, I know that you are in love with Jesus - not the things that he can do for us, but what He has already done.

Because of your faithfulness to the Lord, Caleb, I am humbled and I am more than honored to be your mother.  You bring such laughter and joy into our lives and the lives of others.  I thank God that he hand picked me, before I came to know the Lord, to be a mother to a son like you. You have such a forgiving heart, a true love for people, and a faith that can move mountains.  I cannot wait to see what God's will is for your life, but I know that whatever it is, you will make sure that God gets the glory - you already live your life that way, it comes naturally to you.

Love,
Mom